Soliloquium
by QofPaine
Summary: shounen-ai. Youji is faced with a decision he cannot ignore. Ken/Aya/Youji CHAPTER 2 and 3 are now up!
1. Soliloquium

**DISCLAIMER: **characters here belong to their respective owners, yada yada, don't sue me, yada yada, im just an innocent schoolgirl, yada yada, i don't have enough money, sniff sniff.  __

**WARNING:** this fic is generally _shounen-ai (love or hints of it between two guys).  No Graphic sex (yaoi), or lime, or lemon.  If this sort of stuff offends you, then don't read.  For god's sake, it's just shounenai!!  Or if you don't take hints of innuendo or stuff like that, then this fic is not shounen-ai at all!_

**RATING: **PG 13 for some language and angst.

_This fic is dedicated to the 2nd floor people.  Aishiteru, minna-san!_

By Queen of Paine (queen_of_paine@hotmail.com)

**_CHAPTER 1:_**

**_SOLILOQUIUM_**

_Sometimes I feel myself drowning in his presence.  The proximity of his everything barely keeps me from losing my control._

_Of course, he doesn't know this.  I will never let him know how much of a hold he has on me..._

"Ken. The toast?"  our leader snapped,obviously getting impatient at the table.  It was already 9 in the morning and nobody wanted to have a growling stomach one minute longer.

Ken jumped out of his reverie and I winced as I heard him exclaim "Oh, shit!"  Apparently, his clumsiness didn't do him any good because he accidentally touched his hand to the still hot toaster.  The plate of the so-called breakfast was now on the floor and nobody had the effort left to clean it up. Sensing Aya's temper about to snap, I stood up from the table and took upon the task of preparing another "meal".  

"Don't bother.  I just lost my appetite."  I watched in exasperation as our redheaded leader stormed out the kitchen after flashing Ken one of his icy glares.  I abandoned the said task, now turning to Ken who miserably plopped down on a chair, his eyes betrayed the hurt he felt from Aya's actions.

"Shit, I'm always messing up."  He said in a low voice.  And even then, I could feel how much it affected Ken.  Mentally, I dreamed of punching Aya's lights out.  It took me a while before I glanced down to see my hands clenched tight into a fist.  

"Hey, don't mind him," I said.  I took his burned hand and observed the damage.  "You know how much of a shit headed jerk he can be."

"Yeah, but still..."  I glanced at his face as his words trailed away.  He was staring at a spot behind my left shoulder.  I knew what he was thinking about and knew that I could never try to change what was in his mind.  I sighed inwardly.

_I know, still you..._

I had been holding his hand for quite some time now and he still hasn't snapped out of his daydreaming.  I wished with all my might that he would open his eyes and see that there's nothing really there for him.  That what he dreams for is not what's really meant for him.  That he'll only get nothing but pain from this.

It was then that I noticed the dark circles under his eyes.  

He must've stayed up all night._  What're you doing to yourself, Ken?  Why are you doing this to yourself?_

Still, I couldn't help but smile at the memory.

_Flashback_

"Hey, Youji.  D'you have something to drink?"

"I thought athletes are off-limits to alchol?"  I replied, surprised at his request.

We were in my room, just after completing a mission.  It was about 2:30  in the morning then.

"Who told you that?  Alcohol, wine, water---I drink.  Softdrinks, coffee, well, that's a no-no."

"Still, I didn't know you drink." Each time I was learning something new from Ken and it seemed as if I never want to stop learning.

"Everybody drinks, Youji... Everybody needs to have a drink at some point in their lives."  He said those words as if he was talking to somebody else and not me.  It was like his body was there in the room but his mind wasn't.  It didn't get to me anymore.  Somehow, I've gotten used to his spacing off.

He took off his red jacket and draped it at the back of the sofa.  I took off my trenchcoat and nonchalantly dropped it somewhere on the floor.  I headed towards a corner cabinet, thinking a drink or two might do me some good tonight.  I watched him from the corner of my eye.  He was sitting at the windowsill, silently staring off into the night.  He had his right knee up and his right elbow on it.  It gave him the look of some sage burnened with a hundred of the world's problems.

I gazed at him for a while, thinking thoughts that were, well—just that.  Thoughts that belonged inside my head--as much as I would like for them to be real.

"I can take anything, Youji.  Give me anything you've got."  He said, suddenly turning his head to look at me.

Our eyes met and for a moment, my heart seemed to stop beating.  I hastily turned away, fear slowly seeping in.

"Uh, sure.  Right."  I fumbled at the handle of the drawer, my pulse running at the the thought of being found out.  Just then, I thought I saw something in his eyes, like he knew what I've been thinking for the last few seconds.

I surveyed my collection of alcohols, deciding to choose something mild enough not to give Ken a hangover in the morning.  "Would tequila be alright?"

Not waiting for an answer, I poured us the drink and headed towards him.  He took the glass and absently downed half the content in one gulp.  I sat on the bed and laid back on the headboard, trying to find a comfortable position.  Once again, he was looking out the window, into another world that lived inside his head.  I took a sip, welcoming the warmth that flowed from my throat to the pit of my stomach.

The silence stretched on for a few more minutes.  But it was the kind of silence that I preferred—the kind of silence that takes place between two people who, one can say, have complete trust in each other.  Maybe friends, comrades, confidantes.  

My mind drifted off to the events of the past month.  Yes, it's been exactly a month since I told him that I knew his secret.  I've known for the longest time how he feels about the crimson-haired man.  I was the only one who noticed his behavior whenever he was around.  I've watched him watch Aya with an expression that cannot be mistaken for anything but deep longing and hopeless adoration.  I waited for a while before I confronted Ken, observing more while silently hoping that what I was seeing was not true—was not real.  Curiosity kills the cat, or rather, curiosity kills the Balinese.  I had to know if these manifestations were what I thought them to be.  I was as curious as hell and I was dying from something I wasn't quite sure what.

We were filling our shifts at the shop that day.  Omi was at school and as usual, Aya disappeared to some godforsaken place.  There was no better time than that moment.  Surprisingly, he didn't question me or even showed any sign of bewilderment to my statement.

He just hung his head and murmured " So you noticed, huh?" He was fixing up an arrangement and somehow, he always manages to make his arrangements look more beautiful than any of ours can be. 

"Do you think I'm an idiot, Youji?"  He looked into my eyes as he asked me, almost in a whisper "D'you think a person like me even has the right to love someone like him?  Someone who wouldn't even notice...."

As his voice trailed off, I gazed into pools of chocolate iris and what I found there completely baffled me.  I didn't say anything, thinking that it was best not to answer the question.  Besides, I wouldn't have found the voice to say at that moment what I really wanted to tell him.

_Yeah, Ken, maybe you are an idiot.  Aya deserves none of what you're giving to him yet you still go on like everything's fucking ok.  But you know what?  Aya's the biggest idiot in this lifetime—he doesn't even give a fucking regard to those who even care enough to love someone so cold as he is.. ._

Of course I knew I was already way out of line by then.  By confirming my worst fear, I satisfied my curiosity but inside, I was dying.  It was like some heavy void replaced my nagging assumptions and what was left was the last thing that I wanted to admit to myself.

An unspoken bond was made that day.  The clumsy Ken that I knew turned into a talkative one everytime we were alone.  He had given me his trust even though I said nothing to assure him that what I knew wouldn't reach Aya's ears.  I held on to that trust as I've never held on to anything in my life.  The unconditional friendship he keeps on with me amazes me and frightens me at times.

Without even realizing it, I've become his confidante.  And this new role he's unconsciously given me made me awkward, something I'm not used to feeling.  After all, I am Kudou Youji.  Since that day, he talked to me like I was the only one who can try to understand him.  And it actually seemed like I was the only one who can.

Our "talks" would always revolve around Aya, then they would drift to other topics.  But it would always come back to him—always.  Deep inside, I was getting pretty sick of hearing Ken talk so unselfishly about the one person who treats him like trash.  Always, I would watch in fascination as his eyes glowed with warmth whenever he talks about Aya.  It was like watching a movie through someone else's eyes.  And always, I would give him petty "advice", feeling that it was what I must do.  I was his friend after all, yet the one thing that I really wanted to tell him was not what he was ready to hear.

There were nights—night like this one—when he would follow me to my room.  Here we would find comfort in each other's company while everyday we got closer and closer.  Inside my head, a voice was telling me to stop this madness, to move away from this bond that was getting dangerously tighter.  But somehow, my ego stopped rationalizing and clearly gave in to my impulses.  

I didn't even mind when he just barges into my room without warning, offering some random excuse of wanting to borrow my aftershave or just plain wanting to talk.  Everytime I find myself in situations like these, I always hear myself saying something like "Sure, Ken" or "Ok, shoot".  Before I knew it, 5 hours had passed and I was no closer to getting out from this mess I had willingly stepped into.

Tonight, he was unusually silent.  I lifted my hand to drag on my cigarette but the stick between my fingers had already been long gone out, a glaring proof that the silence had stretched on longer than expected.

"Youji. . ."

"Hm?"

"When Asuka died . . . what was the first thought that came to your head?"  He asked in a soft voice

We've been frequently talking about each other's lives for the past month.  Normally, a personal question like that would've annoyed me to hell.  But coming from Ken, it was different.

"Heh, that's a hard one."  I took a deep breath, exhaling it out slowly.  "At first I wanted to die . . . then everything just lost it's meaning, you know.  The one thing that I lived for was the day that I would finally be able to tell her..."

I took another sip to warm myself before going on. "But life can really mess up your plans for you and I ended up sending her to her grave."  I shook my head slowly, remembering the pain that still echoed from years ago. "I thought:  Now you've fucking done it, Kudou".  I gave a wry smile as an image of Asuka being shot flashed through my head.

"No shit, man."  Came the soft reply

I'm sorry, Asuka.  You must be laughing at me right now—I've really messed up big again.  Hah, he still thinks I'm fucking straight!  Didn't you always tell me that I had a miserable life?  Well, what a life it is.  What do I do now, huh?  I know you're happy up there. . . but I would really like some help here. . . 

". . .Yeah, no shit."

I blinked twice and was taken aback as I turned my head slightly to look at Ken staring not into the night but into my eyes.  I stare back into his brown ones, my pulse beginning to quicken for the second time that night.  I didn't hold anything back.  I told him everything I've ever wanted to tell in those few seconds we shared.  If the message did get through, he gave no sign to show it.  Instead, he stood up and strode towards the cabinet to refill his glass.  He returned to his place in the windowsill, just like before, as if nothing had happened.

3:24am.  I sighed and closed my eyes, knowing fully well that what was on his mind was someone who I can never compete with.

Are you always this unselfish, Ken?  So gullible?  You should know by now that I'm not the most trusting person around here.  You should know that Aya is not willing to pay back the agony you're so damn suffering for him now.

"Ohayou, Youji.  Sleep well. . ."  I dimly heard him say.

"Ohayou, Ken.  Don finish off the botle awryt?"  I replied with my eyes still closed, words turning slurry.  Tonight's mission, Ken and Aya, everything was taking a toll on me.  Suddenly, I was tired.  I felt myself drifting off to sleep.

From somewhere in the dark, I heard footsteps and then a door closing.

He's not worth it. . . He's so damn undeserving, Ken.  Onegai. . . I don't want you to get hurt anymore. . .

_End flashback_

"You're gonna give me a major burn if you don't stop staring at my hand.  Really, it's fine."  I blinked as I raised my gaze to his face, my brows knit together in confusion.

"Oh, right." I quickly rose to my feet as it finally registered in my brain that he was talking about the minor burn he got earlier.  

"So, you up for a drive, Kenken?"  I stretched my limbs languidly, hoping that my mentioning his hated nickname would make him forget my space cadet behavior earlier.

"Quit the crappy name-calling."  He said in a would-be intimidating tone.  He began to clear the table.  "Depends, I guess.  Why?  Where're we headin?"

"Deliveries.  I kinda need the help.  There's about a dozen lined up for today.  Besides, you don't have soccer stuff to do, right?"  I was already jingling the care keys in my hand.  

He yawned.  "I was actually thinking about sleeping the day away, Youji, if you don't mind."

_Yeah, so you can be near him, too, right?_  I was suddenly irritated at Aya, a pointless hatred slowly boiling to the surface, threatening to break my insanity at one point or another.

"C'mon, you can sleep in the car during the drive.  I'll only need help carrying out the deliveries."  It was only after I said these statements that I realized that I had just resorted to begging.  Kudou Youji did not beg.  But for some reason,  I was determined to make Ken come with me.  As if reading my thoughts, he voiced out exactly what I'd been thinking.

"Lay off, Youji.  I'm tired, alright?  Why're you so hell bent on this, anyway?" He walked past me and headed upstairs.

_I don't know, Ken.  Why don't you tell me?_  I turned and quickly followed him.  My mind was already resolved, no matter what, I knew that I had to make Ken come with me, even if I had to go down on my knees and kiss his feet.  If I was to resort to begging, I was prepared to do it all the way.

"Please Ken.  I really need the help."  He stopped at the top of the stairs.  I was facing his back, apprehension taut all over my body.  He must've noticed that I was being unusually pesky today. "Omi can go with you and I can fill his shift in the shop. Why me?"  He now turned to me, annoyance set in his features.

Because I want you to get away as far from him as possible so  you can stop thinking about him for just a second.

_Because I want to see you smile and not hurt by his fucking insensitivity._

_And because for some fucking reason, spending the day with you seems to be the only thing I'm interested in doing._

"I honestly don't know, Ken.  But I do know that if you don't go with me, I won't be able to treat you to dinner later on."  I gave him a sly grin.  I already knew that he was going to give in soon. "Besides, fresh air would do you some good, clear up that head of yours."

He smiled back, knowing that I had just won.  His smile only did crazy things to my head.

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I'm sorry, Ken.  I'm such a crappy liar.  Someday I will tell you the truth.  You deserve to know the truth.

_Someday._

_Maybe._

_And then you'll know . . ._

_Until then, I will give you all that I can to make you happy.  It's not much but if I can do that, perhaps this guilt inside me might make you understand why I lied._

_You don't deserve to be lied to, Ken._

_Not when the one who lied to you is the one who you trust most._

_Not when the one who lied to you is the one who stole from you the one thing you deserve to have. . ._

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------to be continued. . .

**Author's Notes: **

**_Soliloquium (or soliloquy)_**_ \so-lee-lo-kwee\ or \so-lee-lo-kee\derived from Latin _solus_ which means alone + _loqui _which means to speak.  1. the act of talking to oneself.  2. A dramatic monologue that represents unspoken reflections by a character.                               à Just in case you guys wanted to know what the title means.  '__'_

~~Wai! Sugoi!  My first Weiss ficcie!  Please do not post/archive to other sites or pages without permission.  Onegai!  Email me first!  Comments appreciated.  Thanks to Star for reviewing this fic.


	2. Chained

****

DISCLAIMER: All characters in this fic belong to their respective owners. Just borrowing them for a while. '___'

Lyrics featured here is from "Leather" by Tori Amos

****

WARNING: shounen-ai, lime, hints of sex

Notes: this is a quasi-songfic. I haven't heard the song but I just thought the lyrics goes well with what Youji feels. Read Chapter 1 first. This chapter explains why Youji keeps saying sorry to Ken in Soliloquium. Pls don't post/archive to other sites without permission. Email me first! Comments are appreciated. '__'

By Queen of Pain (queen_of_paine@hotmail.com)

**__**

CHAPTER 2:

CHAINED

"Tadaima!"

"Okairi, Youji-kun! You finished early today." I smiled at Omi, his genkiness never failing to infect me. 

"Yup, thanks to Ken." My eyes wandered from the boy as I surveyed the room. "Where's Aya?"

"Uh, he's out at the back, I think. Do you want some dinner, Youi-kun? There's still some left on the table."

As if on cue, Ken stepped in the shop, yawning. "I'll pass, Omi. We already had dinner on the way home. Hehe, and Youji paid for it!" He added the last statement with a wink. He walked past us and marched upstairs. His sleepy voice slowly faded, "I'm heading to bed. Ja."

I watched him disappear up the stairs, the events of the day still fresh in my mind. 

"Youji-kun, you don't buy me dinner! Hidoi!"

I glanced down at the boy pouting up at me. I scratched my head, thinking of an excuse.

"Anou. . . it just happened. Besides, I had to fill his stomach with something since I made him come with me today." I grinned sheepishly at him. "I'll buy you lunch tomorrow, how's that?" I added, hoping to make compromise.

"Un!" He said with a nod. It seemed to satisfy his curiosity.

"So, are we closing shop?" I asked him while I reached for the nearest broom.

"Hai. Sales are high today so Aya-kun and I decided it's ok to close shop early."

I half-listened to Omi as he continued to chat about other stuff. I just kept sweeping the floor, my mind elsewhere.

__

"So you up for a drive, Kenken?" 

Chocolate brows knit together in confusion.

Dangling car keys in his face.

"Are you sure, Youji? You know that I'm used to driving my bike."

Pointless question. He was already smiling.

Lotus Super 7 is for Kudou's hands only. To hell with that. Shrug. 

Keys grabbed from my fingers.

Car door slamming. Engine revving up.

"Omi! Ken and I are gonna do the deliveries! Ittekimasu!"

Jade meets dark brown.

We smile. .

"Ne, Youji-kun, you're happy today." It was more of a statement than a question.

I had been grinning stupidly with my own thoughts I didn't realize Omi had stopped talking. It slipped from my mind that I had to be careful when the boy was around. Omi was always so sensitive to other people's behavior that it seemed so unreal that he was one of us, an assassin—and a merciless one at that.

"Maa, I guess you might say so." I ruffled his capped head in affection.

"Care to share what happened?" Yet again, I was caught between answering the innocence of his question and the blinding truth that if I did, a lot of things were about to change.

"Let's just close shop, ne?" I replied good-naturedly, hoping he wouldn't push further.

"Sure, Youji-kun, whatever you say." He turned back to the cash register as he continued counting sales for the day.

Companionable silence wafted in the shop as I continued sweeping the floor.

__

Exasperated sigh.

"Youji! When're we gonna eat, huh? You said you're gonna buy me dinner!"

Stomach growling.

"Henki, henki! This one's the last for today, then we could go eat wherever you want!"

"The last one, eh? Yokatta!"

Chuckle.

"Always hungry, baka saru."

"Nani? Baka saru? YOUJI! I'm no ape!"

Brown eyes glinting in irritation.

Chuckle.

"Hai, hai. Whatever you say. But if your appetite's like this all the time Aya's gonna have to beg on the streets if he's to put food in your mouth, ne?"

Silence.

Wrong sentence to blurt out, Youji. Stupid, stupid.

Dark eyes squint in thought. Plunging in sadness.

Resigned sigh. Did it again, Kudou. Kampai.. . .Did it again.

But some things were not meant to be put aside for so long—things you can never avoid.

"We're closing shop now, Aya-kun. They came back early."

I looked up from my task as the person Omi was addressing stepped in from the back door. He caught my eye and I gave a curt nod. The silent invitation went unnoticed by the teenager. 

We were always careful. We had always been careful when they were around.

"I'm going upstairs. Finish up closing." Always the one to give orders, Aya turned and was gone as quickly as he came.

I sighed inwardly. Aya's presence was like a dose of cold water. I got too caught up in my own quest for bliss that I forgot there were still other things to take care of. I should have woken up much earlier from this dream I've woven for myself. Now I'm much too deep in this web I don't know if I would be able to get out. 

__

What was I looking for? What was I thinking? That Ken could possibly change me? That he could pull me from this pathetic state of drowning? That he could love me?

"Yokatta. I'm so relieved we're done for today, Youji-kun."

"Yeah, so am I. . . so am I, Omi." I replied under my breath, knowing fully well that my day was far from over.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I walked across the hall, my bare feet padding silently on the carpeted floor. I took a deep breath and opened the door. I stood unmoving for a moment, waiting for my eyes to adjust to the sudden blackness of the room.

"You're late." Came a curt greeting from the direction of the bed.

"I know." I replied. I locked the door behind me and walked towards the bed. I kept my eyes on him, gazing in marvel as his crimson hair turned black in the silver blanket of moonlight.

He looked up at me, amethyst eyes meeting jade. He reached for my hand and led me to sit down on the bed. I followed his motions like a sick puppy. 

"You didn't come last night. Why?" He turned then, so he was in front of me, straddling my legs. It was then that I noticed he was only wearing boxers and nothing else. I wasn't surprised. I stared at him blankly, my whole body unmoving as he slowly leaned his face towards mine. Our breaths mingled together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

__

Look I'm standing naked before you

Don't you want more than my sex

I can scream as loud as your last one

But I can't claim innocence

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I was tired. Can't someone take a rest from your uncontrollable drives once in a while?" I answered with a smirk. 

Our lips were barely touching and I can already feel his growing desire. He knew I was lying but personal intrusiveness meant crossing the line.

"Baka," came the reply before he crossed the gap and pressed his lips onto mine. I closed my eyes, letting him direct the flow. I locked my arms around his neck, drawing his body closer. The kiss deepened as he entwined his arms around my torso. 

I tangled my fingers in his hair as he pushed his tongue inside my mouth to battle with mine. I let myself lose in the moment, feeling my body drown in physical pleasure. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

__

I could just pretend that you love me

The night would lose all sense of fear

But why do I need you to love me

When you can't hold what I hold dear

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But my mind was free--drifting off to a place where the silky strands I was touching were brown and not red, where the moment I open my eyes I'll see chocolate and not amethyst, to where I can feel warmth . . . and not compulsion.

My mind was free . . but my soul wasn't.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------to be continued. . .----

*****Arggh!! I hate the way this turned out. Pretty lame for a chapter 2, ne? Blah, I'm not very good in writing lemon scenes, anyway even if a lemon scene IS necessary. Guess, I'll have to make chapter 3 better. **** '__'


	3. Save Me

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DISCLAIMER: Characters belong to their owners. You can't blame me for borrowing them, right? Oh, song here is entitled "Save Me" by Remy Zero, taken from the Smallville TV Soundtrack. (yeah, I'm a Smallville fan, too)

****

WARNINGS: language, post-sex, angst

****

RATING: PG-13

Well, guys, here it is, final chapter!

By Queen of Pain (queen_of_paine@hotmail.com)

**__**

CHAPTER 3:

SAVE ME

3 AM. I peeled my eyes away from the bright red numbers of the LED. Still early. Two rounds of wild uninhibited bedplay seemed to be not enough lately. 

Beside me, a lanky figure reached for the nightstand and lighted a cigarette. It was funny how almost one year of sleeping together could do to your habits. I never knew how much of a bad influence I could be but what's done is done. It was up to Aya if he decides to quit or not.

Me? I hold on to the belief that I'm beyond salvation. I've already come to the conclusion long ago that I'll either die during one of the missions or from polluting my own lungs. Who cares? I've obviously lived long enough. Life's a bitch anyway. Well, my life that is. Somebody said: "Would you rather die from external circumstances or from your own hands?" Heh, I'd rather kill myself from smoking than let some low-life scumbag shoot me in the head. 

Egotistical my ass.

I took a drag on my cigarette, as if emphasizing my thoughts earlier. 

It was always like this after sex. The smell of sweat, smoke, and the aftermath of climax were never absent. But the post-coital cuddling was. The warmth of two sated bodies after making love was never there.

Physical signs of affection after fucking each other's brains out were prohibited. It was kind of an unspoken agreement. Kinda like, "Ok let's fuck but that's that." It's as if the fear of crossing some invisible line was there. 

Fear of what? I dunno myself. Maybe because if we got too close for comfort there would be no turning back. And nobody was willing to take that risk. But sometimes I find myself about to cross that border—finding myself tightening my arms around Aya even after it was done. And it takes some effort before pries himself away from me.

I knew I was seeking something he wasn't willing to give and the strange pang in my chest betrayed my feelings that it didn't completely bother me.

Sometimes I even wonder why I keep letting on with this. And then a leering voice inside my head whispers the answer—but it was not the answer I was willing to accept. Because Aya was the only one who understood me, and I was the only one who can try to understand him. Of the four of us, we two are the only ones alike. We two are the only ones who were beyond redemption. 

Yeah, as fucking unreal as it sounds, Aya and I were, well, soulmates. We didn't have any choice but to accept it. We only had each other to turn to. Well, you know, birds of the same feather fuck together. Heh.

My thoughts flit to Omi and Ken, and once again, I find myself jealous of how much of a soul they still have left in them. Omi has his school, his friends, and his optimism in life. And Ken. . . Ken has soccer, his students, his . . . 

They still have something to go back to even after Weiss.

Aya and I, well, we have nothing to lose—nothing to go back to. Since Aya-chan died, he's lost all reason to live. He told me once that it didn't matter anymore if he dies tomorrow or the next second. Well, we almost have the same philosophy. 

When I die, I'll most probably be heading someplace Aya's bound to be. Then again, birds of the same feather plunge to the depths of hell together. I'm sounding more morbid, aren't I? How pathetic.

Even wallowing in self-pity couldn't make Aya seek warmth. It's ironic how much we know each other yet we find it awkward to even touch after doing the most intimate physical gesture. 

Sex with Aya was almost always rough. I never complained. It was our only outlet. But the one thing that I wanted from him was something he will never show—even while sharing the most passionate kiss.

I turned to my side, my back facing him. The chill inside my body was getting to me and I couldn't help but draw the covers up to my neck, hoping that it will go away.

"You cold or something?"

"Nah, just . . . feeling lonely, I guess." I was always honest with Aya. I believed it futile to even keep anything from him. But earlier tonight, I knew that if I didn't lie to him, I would've admitted something to myself I wasn't ready to accept at all.

"You should've gotten used to it by now. Killers like us are destined to be lonely forever."

I winced at the bluntness of his words while inside, I gave a wry laugh at the sheer irony of it.

__

So why are we here, then? Tell me, Aya, are we just fuckmates? 'Coz sex and loneliness are not synonymous in my vocabulary. 

In spite of my thoughts, I knew he was right, but I was too depressed to reply.

"You ought to stop what you're doing, Youji."

I was caught off guard by the sudden change in topic--but I knew what he was talking about. I decided to play ignorant.

"Yeah? And what's that?"

He ignored the question and proceeded lecturing me. "Either way, he's bound to notice. You wouldn't want that, would you?"

"Since when did you start acting sensitive, Aya?" I was annoyed at his straightforward delivery of the thought I had been avoiding for some time now.

"It's inevitable, Youji. I wash my hands off it."

"Hah! You wash your hands off what? Don't pretend this doesn't involve you, too. You've known for a long time that he—"

"Shut up. This is pointless. It's Ken's problem, not mine, not yours either. Stop messing around with the kid's head." His voice was icy calm. It was as if he was addressing me in a meeting. "Don't even try to deny it, Youji. I've seen you with him."

With Aya, it was useless to even try. 

__

Always so selfish. Unlike you, I AM willing to make someone love me. 

I have to believe that someone can still love me, Aya. 

I sighed and laid my head back on the headboard. "Don't hurt him. . . onegai. . .that's all I'm asking," I whispered in the darkness, my control threatening to break. 

__

You know he loves you, please . . . make him smile. Make him happy.

"I feel no need to even do that, Youji. I honestly don't care. His feelings are not my problem." 

"How—how could you be so selfish? It IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM, DAMMIT!" My hands were aching to clasp around his neck and strangle him. 

"If you want him so much, then fuck his brains out! But I'm telling you, it'll hurt him more if he finds out. . . he's not like us, Youji. You should've known that."

__

I know. . . that's why I love him . . . because he's nothing like me. . .and everything I want to be.

I was panting in unresolved tension. My anger now spilling over the edge.

"Why do you have to be so fucking right, all the time? I'm tired of it. I'm tired of you telling me what's right and what's not." I was almost speaking in a deadly calm voice. 

"Give it a rest, Youji. I'm just telling you what will happen."

I looked at him in the eyes. "Don't you feel at least a little bit of something there, Aya? Are you that cold as to just set aside Ken's feelings just like that?"

"I already told you—"

"Just shut up, ok? I don't wanna hear anymore of your im-wallowing-in-self-pity-nobody-will-love-me crap."

He chuckled. I felt the hair in my nape rising in rage.

"Whatever you say, Yo-tan."

"Fuck you," was all I could say. "Someday, I'm gonna kill you."

Tormenting me seemed to be Aya's favorite thing to do. 

But the night wasn't over, nothing could've prepared me for what he was about to tell me in the coming moments.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Aya never wanted me to sleep in his room after sex. After he drifts off, I always leave and come back to my room where I either stay awake all night or sleep away the remaining hours left before daybreak.

4:38 AM. His steady breathing told me he was already sound asleep. 

__

So, no more sex tonight, ne, Aya?

I quietly got off the bed, careful not to disturb him. I looked down at his sleeping form, my eyes travelling down his face bathed in the moonlight and across his pale skin. It never ceases to amaze me how Aya could look so peaceful asleep when awake he was the most selfish bastard there is.

__

But what a lucky bastard you are.

I dressed quickly and left the room without another glance.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The first thing I noticed when I entered my bedroom was Ken's sleeping figure sprawled awkwardly on the sofa. 

__

He must've gone straight to my room in his sleepy state.

He's so used to coming to my room every night and now he can't even tell which room he's supposed to go to.

I couldn't help but smile at the thought.

__

Still, after what he told you . . . why're you here?

I walked towards him while crazy thoughts danced through my head. I looked down on him, and my chest tightened against my will. His legs and arms were bent in what looked like uncomfortable positions.

"I bet you've stopped the blood circulating to your arms. That's gonna give you major cramps in the morning." I muttered as I bent down to pick him up.

My breath hitched as I struggled to balance his weight in my arms. "Jesus, Ken, does playing soccer make you this heavy?" 

I strode to the bed and dumped him unceremoniously on it. My breath caught as he turned and moaned something incoherent in his sleep. When he didn't wake, I sighed with relief.

I decided to get some rest. After all, the sexual trysts I had earlier with Aya were no joke. My muscles were sure gonna hurt come morning, not to mention that particular muscle down there. 

I carefully got on the bed and turned to my right side so I faced Ken. His eyes were moving behind his eyelids and I briefly wondered if he was dreaming about Aya. The strange pang in my chest was back. I tried hard to calm down my out-of-control heartbeat to no avail, fearing that he might hear it in his sleep.

__

Hey, Ken I just fucked with the person you love. How does it feel? I, who you trust, just made love with Aya, who you love. So tell me . . .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

__

I feel my wings have broken in your hands

I feel the words unspoken inside

And they pull you under

And I would give you anything you want,

But know you were all I wanted 

And all my dreams are falling down

Crawling around around

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"How you do it Ken? I watch you play soccer with the kids like it's the only thing in this world that can save you."

"Heh, call me a hopeless dreamer, Youji, but I want to believe that there's still some piece of human left in me. Even you, Aya and Omi. So I hold on to things that will make me feel human. Talk about denial but I want to hope that I won't go to hell when I die."

"You're not hopeless. I just envy you because you still have something to go back to even after Weiss."

"But there are times when I feel unworthy to teach the kids how to play. I'm afraid that somehow, they might see through me—see the filthiness of my soul. Sometimes I'm just too burdened with the guilt of my sins that I just want to disappear and die immediately."

"We're all sinners in our own way. It's just that we carry a different sin—the kind of sin no one else's willing to take upon himself."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I see the world has folded in your heart

I feel the waves crash down inside

And they pulled me under

I would give you anything you want,

But know you were all I wanted

And all my dreams have fallen down

Crawling around around

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Doesn't that make us martyrs, then?"

"Iie . . . just sinners. We chose the path to being prisoners for eternity. We're not as free as we would like to be."

"But . . . but we are free to love, right?

"Aah, but 'Love is the only freedom in the world because it so elevates the spirit that the laws of humanity and the phenomena of nature do not alter its course.' "

dark eyebrows raise in surprise.

" . . . you read Kahlil Gibran?"

"Yeah, so what if I do? You can learn a lot from his works."

"But seriously, do you think there's someone out there who can save us?"

"I dunno . . . but if there is, I'm certainly not on his list."

"Aaah, but don't be so pessimistic, Youji."

"Well, if there is someone who can save me, I pray it'll be . . ."

"Who do you think it'll be?"

Are you willing to come save me Ken? Are you willing to grab my hand and pull me from this ocean where I'm drowning? I know you're not an altruist, Ken, but I pray it'll be you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Somebody save me

Let your warm hands

Break right through and

Save me

I don't care how you do it

Just stay, stay

Oh come one

I've been waiting for you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I tried hard but I wasn't able to stop them from coming. The tears flowed in torrents and my vision blurred as I blinked them back rapidly.

"_Whatever you say, Yo-tan."_

"Fuck you . . . Someday I'm gonna kill you"

"Not before he does."

"Ken's gonna kill me? Right, Aya. Drown in your delusions all you want."

Silence.

"I'm not kidding, Youji. He knows."

. . .

"You're kidding, right? Tell me you are!"

"I'm not. Just earlier this evening. . . I told him."

Red. Rage.

Scream inside.

"He was coming out of your bedroom to go take a piss or something and I passed him . . ."

"You. Had. No. right. Doing. That."

"He was about to say something and I just couldn't take it. So I shut him up by telling him the truth. Don't you see? I made things easier for you."

. . .

Dizzy. Boiling rage.

Helpless silence.

"fuck you, Aya, I am gonna kill you with my own hands someday"

". . . what's done is done, Youji. . . . I'm sorry."

"no you're not . . . you're not a bit sorry at all . . . I HOPE YOU FUCKING BURN IN HELL!"

Slowly, I raised my hand and it found its way to lay on Ken's face.

"I'm a fucking liar, Ken. Well, aren't we all?"

I twirled his dark tresses between my fingers, the tears already subsiding.

__

You knew . . . you knew . . . still you came here.

I'm drowning, Ken. I'm so tired of fighting. I don't wanna deal with this anymore.

Dream for me. I've no right left to dream for anything else. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Somebody save me

Let your warm hands

Break right through and

Save me

I don't care how you do it

Just save me

I made this whole world shine for you

Just stay, stay

Oh come on

I'm still waiting for you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sleep came to take me and I helplessly surrendered to it.

"I'm so damn sorry . . . so sorry Ken"
    
    In between the light of consciousness and the blurred images of dreams, soft hands enveloped me. Long fingers entwined with mine.

"why didn't you tell me?" I longed to hear that voice once more.

"aishiteru, Kenken, aishiteru"

"Too late, Yo-tan . . . too late"

I saw round chocolate pools of light in my dreams and allowed myself to drown in them.

"yeah, too late"

~OWARI~

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~this chapter turned out to be longer than I expected. Well, I dunno how to react. I made Aya so evil in this fic, I'm sorry! And Youji reading Kahlil Gibran! Well, that's new! And I'm sorry too if Ikilled Aya-chan here. hehe~

tell me what you think. Review me!


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